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Duality Part 1: Conscious Imperfection

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It is said that everyone has a celebrity crush.  Yes, I have one, too; Patrick Dempsy, or better yet, the McDreamy Patrick Dempsy (his character on Gray’s Anatomy where he plays a stellar brain surgeon).  McDreamy is not only knee meltingly gorgeous, but he is also intelligent, incredibly talented, kind, and he could look at you in ways that make your heart stop, in which case Preston Burke (a 1st class cardiologist and also incredibly handsome) would come to the rescue.  Both are excellent examples of perfection in my mind!

The Dream

Anyhow, I had a steamy McDreamy dream the other night.  He played the role of a kindergarten teacher. I, in this dream, was returning to teaching (I did actually teach elementary school for a while many years ago) and I got put into his classroom.  McDreamy’s perfection only served to make me nervous and self conscious and I kept on making stupid mistakes. I couldn’t do anything right. He kept having to come and help me do the simplest things.  I was mortified.

I watched from a distance as his pretty teacher girlfriend, Ella,  came into the classroom while the kids were outside at recess. She had pretty curly strawberry blond hair, a beautiful complexion without any makeup, and a perfect body. She obviously was a somewhat athletic mountain girl.  My guess would be from Colorado. They would talk, and laugh, she flirted and he enjoyed it. When the bell rang they briefly kissed and she left the room. Once again I was a bungling, awkward bundle of nerves, wondering how I was ever going to make it through the day.

Later in the day, I ran into Ella in the restroom and she was having a tantrum.  It appeared that McDreamy had broken up with her. She was ranting about how she didn’t understand why he broke up with her.  She was perfect for him and she thought she had the relationship sewn up. Obviously not. He told her he had simply lost interest in the relationship.

Upon returning to the classroom, we lined the kids up, released them to their busses and waiting parents, and started straightening the classroom out.  McDreamy walked over to me and asked me if I would like to have dinner with him that night. Being completely caught off guard, I asked him,

“What about Ella?  Don’t you two have a relationship?”, knowing full well he didn’t but was trying to buy some time to think.    

He said,  “I broke up with her.”

“Gee, you seemed to be pretty ‘engaged’ with each other earlier today.”

“I got tired of the relationship, so I ended it.”

“Oh, ok.”  I turned back to gathering paper off the desks.

“So will you go out with me tonight?”  he asked again with those heart-stopping smiling eyes.   

“Sure, yes.  So I didn’t even think you noticed me.  When did you start noticing me?” I asked sheepishly.

“I’ve been noticing you all day long.”  he said with a sexy smile, and again with those eyes laser-fixed on mine!

“Did you notice how I was screwing up all day long.  I haven’t taught school for a long time and I kept making mistakes.”

“I don’t care.”  He said dismissively.

“But you had to keep bailing me out, and I couldn’t even….”

“I don’t care.”  He said again, interrupting and again looking me squarely in the eye.

It was unimaginable to me how he would notice me over Ella, the perfect Aphrodite to his Adonis, or how this perfect man who could have his pick of women would want to take me out to dinner.   I was pudgy, rusty, feeling entirely inept while Ella said and did all the perfect things and she was a seasoned teacher on the staff, and he dumped her! I couldn’t believe he wanted to take me out to dinner.  How was I ever going to hold up to his perfection, or even to Ella’s? But would I let that get in the way of dating him? Not on your life!

Later that night he picked me up and we were driving to dinner.  I looked a him; so gorgeous, so kind, so confident and me; so imperfect, so self-conscious, and without a clue as to how to act around him.

“Do you mind if I stop for a few minutes on the way to dinner?  I have to deliver some papers to someone.” He asked.

“No, go right ahead.”  

He pulled over into a parking lot next to another car where a man was waiting outside.  He walked over to the man, who was standing close to my door. I saw the papers he was delivering to the other person.  It was lists of people and their illegal drugs orders. I was stunned by what I was seeing. He was part of a drug ring and set up all these people with their drug orders, then handed the information over to the person who was going to deliver them.  He didn’t even try to hide it from me.

He got back in the car and asked, “Ready to go?”

“Absolutely!”  I answered. All my self consciousness and self abnegation went out the window and I was all over the man.  Clothes were flying in between steamy kisses and lusty groping, then………..

I woke up.  DAMN!!

The Awakening

After I got out of bed and started thinking about the dream, I was perplexed as to why I suddenly lost all my inhibitions and went for it when I found out he was part of a drug ring.  My first thought was that when he showed this flaw, he was down to my level. Immediately I realized that wasn’t the case. It was the fact that he WAS flawed, as are we all. It was a classic case of ‘Bad Boy Syndrome.”  

We feel more comfortable around people who are not afraid to show their flaws.  Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be associated with someone who was a drug dealer, no matter how gorgeous they were, but i think the dream had to go to that extent to make me see that we need to own our shortcomings or flaws and not try to hide or change them.  In the dream, McDreamy owned his flaw and he wasn’t even trying to hide it. I needed to see he wasn’t perfect so I didn’t have to be perfect, which is a losing proposition anyhow. It is a battle we will never ever win as long as we are in our human form.

So what was it that McDreamy saw in me that made him attracted to me?  He saw someone who was trying hard and struggling. He saw an intelligent person who was passionate, honest, loving, kind, and flawed, and he didn’t care.  It was all these things that made the person he saw, including being flawed. As much as I didn’t want him to see my flaws, I couldn’t hide it under the circumstances.

Flaws are what make us human as long as we don’t hurt others in any way, and the more we own it, the more it adds to the “color” of who we really are.  It shapes us and gives us form. It gives us humor, it gives us compassion, , it gives us a way to connect to others that makes them feel ok about themselves.  It also gives us a way to seek help from others. We weren’t put here to be perfect, we were put here to experience imperfection and learn from it. In our spirit form, we are already perfect so there is no way to experience imperfection or learn from that experience unless we are in our physical state.  

Artistic Imperfection

Artists find the beauty in imperfection.  In an article on the website “Amusing Planet: The Art of Deliberate Imperfection” by Kaushik it states:

“Some people are perfectionists, going great lengths and through punishing routines to achieve the perfect figure, the perfect score, the inimitable performance. But there are cultures around the world that have learned to abandon this rigid and obsessive behavior, and embrace the concept of imperfection. Artists and craftsmen of such cultures would deliberately introduce flaws into their works to remind themselves that flaws are an integral part of being human.

In Navajo culture, rug weavers would leave little imperfections along the borders in the shape of a line called ch’ihónít’i, which is translated into English as “spirit line” or “spirit pathway. The Navajos believe that when weaving a rug, the weaver entwines part of her being into the cloth. The spirit line allows this trapped part of the weaver’s spirit to safely exit the rug.”

People like going to live concerts because the imperfections of the performers give a special dimension to the music over perfectly dubbed and edited recordings.  You hear the intrusion of the yells of joy from the audience or hearing them singing along. This creates the ambiance of the authentic experience.  Hearing different renditions also offers a new perspective on the music.  Hearing music live is never ever perfect, but it is more personal and authentic to which we can relate because of it’s imperfection.  

One other thing about imperfection;  I had an uncle who was movie star gorgeous.  He was tall and dark and had Rock Hudson good looks.  He was one of those people who could eat anything and everything and never gain weight.  I, on the other hand always struggled with being short and overweight and my uncle never let me forget it.  He made it very clear no one for any reason would want to be around a fat person, or hire them, or marry them.  One of his favorite comments was, “There’s no place in this world for fat people.” “There’s no place in this world for short people.” “There’s no place in this world for (fill in the blank).”

Pure Perfection Revealed

One night my boyfriend (now husband) was flying into California from Ohio to spend Christmas with me.  His flight was a couple of hours late so I went over to my uncle’s house to wait for the flight to come in.  I was so excited about seeing Jim that I couldn’t think about anything else. Many years later, my cousin and I were talking about it and she told me I looked great that night.  I told her I weighed 210 pounds and she said there was no way I could have weighed that much. She said both she and her dad expressed that I looked really good, but what they really saw was Love.  They did not see my imperfections at all.

Funny thing is, after I had that dream I started watching “Gray’s Anatomy” again so I could have another look at McDreamy.  As it turns out, the gorgeousness of that man faded and I got more into the storyline than looking at him. Perfection gets old in our physical world unless you need an arm ornament.  No wonder McDreamy got bored and broke up with Ella.