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Duality Part 1: Conscious Imperfection

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It is said that everyone has a celebrity crush.  Yes, I have one, too; Patrick Dempsy, or better yet, the McDreamy Patrick Dempsy (his character on Gray’s Anatomy where he plays a stellar brain surgeon).  McDreamy is not only knee meltingly gorgeous, but he is also intelligent, incredibly talented, kind, and he could look at you in ways that make your heart stop, in which case Preston Burke (a 1st class cardiologist and also incredibly handsome) would come to the rescue.  Both are excellent examples of perfection in my mind!

The Dream

Anyhow, I had a steamy McDreamy dream the other night.  He played the role of a kindergarten teacher. I, in this dream, was returning to teaching (I did actually teach elementary school for a while many years ago) and I got put into his classroom.  McDreamy’s perfection only served to make me nervous and self conscious and I kept on making stupid mistakes. I couldn’t do anything right. He kept having to come and help me do the simplest things.  I was mortified.

I watched from a distance as his pretty teacher girlfriend, Ella,  came into the classroom while the kids were outside at recess. She had pretty curly strawberry blond hair, a beautiful complexion without any makeup, and a perfect body. She obviously was a somewhat athletic mountain girl.  My guess would be from Colorado. They would talk, and laugh, she flirted and he enjoyed it. When the bell rang they briefly kissed and she left the room. Once again I was a bungling, awkward bundle of nerves, wondering how I was ever going to make it through the day.

Later in the day, I ran into Ella in the restroom and she was having a tantrum.  It appeared that McDreamy had broken up with her. She was ranting about how she didn’t understand why he broke up with her.  She was perfect for him and she thought she had the relationship sewn up. Obviously not. He told her he had simply lost interest in the relationship.

Upon returning to the classroom, we lined the kids up, released them to their busses and waiting parents, and started straightening the classroom out.  McDreamy walked over to me and asked me if I would like to have dinner with him that night. Being completely caught off guard, I asked him,

“What about Ella?  Don’t you two have a relationship?”, knowing full well he didn’t but was trying to buy some time to think.    

He said,  “I broke up with her.”

“Gee, you seemed to be pretty ‘engaged’ with each other earlier today.”

“I got tired of the relationship, so I ended it.”

“Oh, ok.”  I turned back to gathering paper off the desks.

“So will you go out with me tonight?”  he asked again with those heart-stopping smiling eyes.   

“Sure, yes.  So I didn’t even think you noticed me.  When did you start noticing me?” I asked sheepishly.

“I’ve been noticing you all day long.”  he said with a sexy smile, and again with those eyes laser-fixed on mine!

“Did you notice how I was screwing up all day long.  I haven’t taught school for a long time and I kept making mistakes.”

“I don’t care.”  He said dismissively.

“But you had to keep bailing me out, and I couldn’t even….”

“I don’t care.”  He said again, interrupting and again looking me squarely in the eye.

It was unimaginable to me how he would notice me over Ella, the perfect Aphrodite to his Adonis, or how this perfect man who could have his pick of women would want to take me out to dinner.   I was pudgy, rusty, feeling entirely inept while Ella said and did all the perfect things and she was a seasoned teacher on the staff, and he dumped her! I couldn’t believe he wanted to take me out to dinner.  How was I ever going to hold up to his perfection, or even to Ella’s? But would I let that get in the way of dating him? Not on your life!

Later that night he picked me up and we were driving to dinner.  I looked a him; so gorgeous, so kind, so confident and me; so imperfect, so self-conscious, and without a clue as to how to act around him.

“Do you mind if I stop for a few minutes on the way to dinner?  I have to deliver some papers to someone.” He asked.

“No, go right ahead.”  

He pulled over into a parking lot next to another car where a man was waiting outside.  He walked over to the man, who was standing close to my door. I saw the papers he was delivering to the other person.  It was lists of people and their illegal drugs orders. I was stunned by what I was seeing. He was part of a drug ring and set up all these people with their drug orders, then handed the information over to the person who was going to deliver them.  He didn’t even try to hide it from me.

He got back in the car and asked, “Ready to go?”

“Absolutely!”  I answered. All my self consciousness and self abnegation went out the window and I was all over the man.  Clothes were flying in between steamy kisses and lusty groping, then………..

I woke up.  DAMN!!

The Awakening

After I got out of bed and started thinking about the dream, I was perplexed as to why I suddenly lost all my inhibitions and went for it when I found out he was part of a drug ring.  My first thought was that when he showed this flaw, he was down to my level. Immediately I realized that wasn’t the case. It was the fact that he WAS flawed, as are we all. It was a classic case of ‘Bad Boy Syndrome.”  

We feel more comfortable around people who are not afraid to show their flaws.  Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be associated with someone who was a drug dealer, no matter how gorgeous they were, but i think the dream had to go to that extent to make me see that we need to own our shortcomings or flaws and not try to hide or change them.  In the dream, McDreamy owned his flaw and he wasn’t even trying to hide it. I needed to see he wasn’t perfect so I didn’t have to be perfect, which is a losing proposition anyhow. It is a battle we will never ever win as long as we are in our human form.

So what was it that McDreamy saw in me that made him attracted to me?  He saw someone who was trying hard and struggling. He saw an intelligent person who was passionate, honest, loving, kind, and flawed, and he didn’t care.  It was all these things that made the person he saw, including being flawed. As much as I didn’t want him to see my flaws, I couldn’t hide it under the circumstances.

Flaws are what make us human as long as we don’t hurt others in any way, and the more we own it, the more it adds to the “color” of who we really are.  It shapes us and gives us form. It gives us humor, it gives us compassion, , it gives us a way to connect to others that makes them feel ok about themselves.  It also gives us a way to seek help from others. We weren’t put here to be perfect, we were put here to experience imperfection and learn from it. In our spirit form, we are already perfect so there is no way to experience imperfection or learn from that experience unless we are in our physical state.  

Artistic Imperfection

Artists find the beauty in imperfection.  In an article on the website “Amusing Planet: The Art of Deliberate Imperfection” by Kaushik it states:

“Some people are perfectionists, going great lengths and through punishing routines to achieve the perfect figure, the perfect score, the inimitable performance. But there are cultures around the world that have learned to abandon this rigid and obsessive behavior, and embrace the concept of imperfection. Artists and craftsmen of such cultures would deliberately introduce flaws into their works to remind themselves that flaws are an integral part of being human.

In Navajo culture, rug weavers would leave little imperfections along the borders in the shape of a line called ch’ihónít’i, which is translated into English as “spirit line” or “spirit pathway. The Navajos believe that when weaving a rug, the weaver entwines part of her being into the cloth. The spirit line allows this trapped part of the weaver’s spirit to safely exit the rug.”

People like going to live concerts because the imperfections of the performers give a special dimension to the music over perfectly dubbed and edited recordings.  You hear the intrusion of the yells of joy from the audience or hearing them singing along. This creates the ambiance of the authentic experience.  Hearing different renditions also offers a new perspective on the music.  Hearing music live is never ever perfect, but it is more personal and authentic to which we can relate because of it’s imperfection.  

One other thing about imperfection;  I had an uncle who was movie star gorgeous.  He was tall and dark and had Rock Hudson good looks.  He was one of those people who could eat anything and everything and never gain weight.  I, on the other hand always struggled with being short and overweight and my uncle never let me forget it.  He made it very clear no one for any reason would want to be around a fat person, or hire them, or marry them.  One of his favorite comments was, “There’s no place in this world for fat people.” “There’s no place in this world for short people.” “There’s no place in this world for (fill in the blank).”

Pure Perfection Revealed

One night my boyfriend (now husband) was flying into California from Ohio to spend Christmas with me.  His flight was a couple of hours late so I went over to my uncle’s house to wait for the flight to come in.  I was so excited about seeing Jim that I couldn’t think about anything else. Many years later, my cousin and I were talking about it and she told me I looked great that night.  I told her I weighed 210 pounds and she said there was no way I could have weighed that much. She said both she and her dad expressed that I looked really good, but what they really saw was Love.  They did not see my imperfections at all.

Funny thing is, after I had that dream I started watching “Gray’s Anatomy” again so I could have another look at McDreamy.  As it turns out, the gorgeousness of that man faded and I got more into the storyline than looking at him. Perfection gets old in our physical world unless you need an arm ornament.  No wonder McDreamy got bored and broke up with Ella.

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Things That Go Bump In The Night

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I’ve always been afraid of the dark.  It’s embarrassing to admit, even at 66 years old I still need some light on when I go to bed at night, but I came by it honestly.

First of all, I have what some would call an overactive imagination.  I would say that is an understatement. I have the ability to get so wrapped up in my thoughts that I lose track of time and space.  Writing music does that to me as well (my degree is in music), although I don’t compose anymore. It was mainly an academic exercise while I was in school, but one I thoroughly enjoyed.  My husband swears I get abducted.

Mostly, though, my imagination (if in fact it was my imagination) was cultivated as a result of the setting and scenery of my childhood.  I grew up in a rural valley farming community set on the Sacramento River in California. It was rich with river bottom soil as well as history and lore.  It was a town of generational lineages of wealthy landowners and not so wealthy hispanic laborers. Colusa also had a small chinese immigrant population who frequented the opium dens in a network of tunnels starting from buildings built by wealthy chinese merchants then wormed under the streets and terminated at the water side of the levees.  There were rumors of Tong wars, opium dens, prostitution, and murder.  These buildings were reported to have been built on prehistoric indian burial grounds so the fodder for paranormal mythos was built in to the area.  If you are interested in seeing historical pictures and information about Colusa, here is a good resource.

We lived in a bungalow style house built in 1927.  My mother was a single parent who taught grade school after having divorced my father and she, my brother, sister, and myself lived in the dark, foreboding house for the first 14 years of my life.  

I frequently had nightmares, but one night in particular, my sister who is an artist primed the pump by drawing a picture of the “One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater” (the name of a popular song at the time) on a chalkboard in my bedroom.  She told me it was hiding under my bed. I didn’t really believe her, but that picture kept staring at me.  I finally got up and erased it.

Later as I was starting to drift off to sleep, I turned over in bed and saw people walking through my bedroom.  They were translucent and dressed in turn of the century attire; women in long dresses wearing stoles and hats, and men wearing dress-up jackets and some were also wearing hats. They didn’t see me, obviously from a different dimension.  I had a sense that they were walking to a party or dance.

I was terrified!  I got up and started to run down the hall to my mom’s room but ran smack into my sister’s  bed. Her room was right between mine and the hallway. She sat straight up in bed and started screaming.  I started screaming. At that point, I was so scared I was paralyzed and I felt like cobwebs were wrapping around me.  My mother was running down the hall in her pajamas, laughing. Then my sister started laughing. I was mortified but my mother rescued me and I slept with her that night.

I do also recall being in the bathroom in that house one morning.  Someone had left a wet wash rag on the hamper that was right across from the toilet and sink.  I was brushing my teeth and the wash rag flew across the room and landed on the back of the toilet.  These kinds of things happened periodically so I didn’t think too much about it. Many years later, as adults, I found out that my sister, who had had a deep, dank, and narrow walk-in closet in her room, had also seen people in that closet, which ran parallel to my bedroom.

I never wanted to be psychic.  I never wanted to see dead people so I just resisted it all my life, mostly successfully.

My husband and I lived in Paradise, California for many years (the town that just burned to the ground, including the house we lived in).  This was a house that we bought and fixed up when I was in the real estate business.

I never felt comfortable on one side of the house.  The people that lived there before us had problems, and in particular one son.  He was an easily angered person and went to prison for trying to murder one of his girlfriends whom he left for dead.  She survived and lived to tell about it. The house itself had been neglected for many years and the vibes were very negative, but after we fixed it up, I thought that would change.  It didn’t. The residual energy was still there. Who knows what other things took place there?

One night my husband was on assignment for several days so I slept in his bed.  I was listening to the radio as I was drifting off, then the clock radio cycled off.  I turned over to turn it back on and I saw, hovering in the air, convicts in black and white striped prisoner’s garb and wearing what appeared to be civil war era type hats, again translucent.  They were chained together and sitting on a hillside facing uphill to the right.

I was freaked out.  I turned away then turned back, thinking if they weren’t still there, I was just dreaming.  They were still there. Terrified, I decided to just ignore them since they didn’t see me and I turned back over, turned the radio back on to distract me, and eventually went to sleep.  I never knew what that was all about but I never slept in that room again. A friend of mine who was somewhat psychic said it might have just been an imprint from another era, but I think it was the result of the bad residual energy.

I don’t know, though, if energy comes in good or bad flavors, but I do think it affects how we experience things.  My husband and I live in Texas now in a fairly new house (2005). I started up my little FaerieDustOnline business and started collecting merchandise.  I have had a ball doing this; buying things that make me happy to be around and hoping it would also make other people happy as well.  

I have a large walk-in closet that I felt would work well for storage as most of the merchandise is small.  We put up shelves and sorted the merchandise. I found myself going in there all the time because I loved looking at all the stuff, and it smelled good, and the energy was very positive.  But as time went on, I started noticing little things at night. At first, if I had to get up at night, I would see little shadow things about 1 foot off the floor, like they were chasing each other around.  I didn’t think much of it. Then I started to feel something bump my bed or touch me. I thought it was one of my cats jumping on the bed. I would reach over and nothing was there. Ok, we recently had a cat we’d had for 19 years put to sleep.  I can buy it’s possible he is still hanging around. But night time events kept getting more intense. I didn’t feel it was malevolent activity but it would startle me as I was sleeping.

I began to wonder if I had opened some kind of supernatural portal with the type of merchandise I have; divination stuff, amulets, crystals, pyramids, etc. I felt like something was messing with me, like mischievous activity.  It reminded me of an episode of “Charmed: House Call”  where residual energy from vanquishing so many demons was wreaking havoc with the Halliwell household.  Finally, I called a psychic and asked him about it. He asked me if I have a lot of crystals and other energy generating merchandise.  I told him I did and he said I had to move them away from the bedroom. He said that can certainly cause events like I was experiencing but assured me my house isn’t haunted.  Energy just does what energy does. It can be quite random. The passed cat, however was probably still around, like I thought, and that’s fine.

It took about a week for things to calm down after moving all the energy generating items out of the closet and now I am sleeping well.  He gave me a lovely reading and I got to connect with both my Grandmother and my Mother. I always thought a ‘’medium” reading would be scary but it wasn’t.  It was very comforting and loving, with lots of validation. I am so grateful I called him. His name is Steve Spur, in case anyone would like to talk to him.  I have linked his website.

So, if any of you have been experiencing odd occurrences at night, or even during the day, check first to see if you have any energy generating items that could influence your environment.  You can also try clearing your house with smudge sticks, or hire someone to do it for you.

I have learned a lot on this journey and look forward to learning more.  All the wonders of this universe are beyond comprehension, but there is a purpose to everything under heaven.

I would love to hear from you about your psychic or energy experiences.  Leave comments here.

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The Magic of WebTV


Hello fellow earth dwellers and mindful beings!  Welcome to my first  Reflecting Pool Blog about WebTV Magic.

I am so happy to get started on this, finally!  I have been plagued with a broken wrist since Thanksgiving day when I tripped and fell over a cat toy I didn’t see.  I told the cats over and over again they had to put away their toys, so I grounded them! So now, after about four weeks I am able to use my fingers enough to start my Reflecting Pool Blog.

The name of my blog has many meanings and memories for me.  It was the name of a chat room I discovered around 1998, when I got my first “computer” called WebTV.  Prior to that I had an old Tandy word processor that got me through college for which I was deeply thankful.  I am the world’s worst typist. I went through my undergrad days typing and erasing and typing and erasing and and cussing profusely, but somehow I got though it.  But going though graduate school to get my teaching credential and Master’s Degree would have been entirely impossible as I believe I wrote the equivalent of a large book during my studies.  

Internet was entirely new to me.  My neighbor, who made custom computers tried to set me up with a great computer deal, but I was too intimidated, so he talked me into getting a Web TV.  It changed my world. One night my boyfriend’s teenage daughter spent the night with me to show me the ropes (chat). I was intrigued, it was totally magicical!

The next day, timidly, I started looking though different chat rooms.  I was not interested in the types of chat rooms that were mostly about “picking up” or “flirting” with other people.  I found those to be very boring. I then stumbled on the “Reflecting Pool” which was a moderated discussion room that was New Age and Metaphysically inspired.  I knew a little about Metaphysics, having been raised in a Metaphyisical religion, but what was this “New Age” stuff? After spending some time there chatting, I felt I finally found people who thought the same way I did about spiritual things but was always afraid to say in a basically Judeo-Christian community, or even the whole nation at that time.  I drank it in and felt I couldn’t get enough.

In the Reflecting Pool I met our best friends to this day.  They were moderators in the chat room and I eventually met them.  I also met my husband there. He was friends with one of the new best friends, so I felt it would be ok to meet him and he wouldn’t be a predator.  We fell in love and now 20 years we are still happily married.

My memories of that chat room on webtv were some of my favorite memories of my life.  I no longer felt spiritually alone and I laughed at times until I cried. I explored new spiritual concepts in a safe venue.  I was able to just be myself as I tended to be awkward socially in the “real world” and I was so surprised to find out that if I was just myself, people liked me!  How about that! Over time I have been learning to be comfortable with myself, and not every person in the world is going to like me. That’s ok. I don’t have to please everyone.  

One of the most magical moments of my life was a Chat Meetup.  I don’t remember if that was what it was called, but that’s what it was.  The first time I actually met in person many of the people I had chatted with, it was actually like meeting characters who stepped right out of the TV set.  I had a hard time wrapping my head around that.  I felt as if I was in an altered state of consciousness.  And with all the New Wave conversations going on, there’s no doubt I felt that I was feeling a natural high!  

WebTV and the Reflecting Pool opened a whole new magical world of self exploration and spirituality for me and got me started on a new spiritual journey that I continually explore and learn about, for which I will be forever grateful.   My spiritual growth now takes me to a place where I want to share with the world.  I had dreams of starting a store that would have merchandise that would be uplifting, spiritually inspiring, and generally promote joy and happiness.  It occurred to me I could open it online and I could also have a blog where like-minded people could share their spiritual insights.  

Do I still chat?  No, it served it’s purpose.  It never was quite the same after that, as are with all things we outgrow.  When I was taking an Economics class many years ago the teacher mentioned what I think was a principle of Economics that said, “If you are not going forward, you are going backwards.”  Status Quo doesn’t really exist.  Learn what you need to know then move on.

So here we are, finally at the Reflecting Pool.  I would love to hear from you and your feedback about this blog and/or about the store: